At Your Own Risk

NOT DEAD

2006-12-22T20:53:00.000-04:00

.

A quick post to indicate I am not dead. Rather, I am alive. After a serious mauling by bears, I've recovered enough to type this.

Married Man

2006-09-05T11:53:00.000-03:00

Well, I'm now a happily Married Man

If you'd like my advice on how to find your soul mate and marry them, here's my easy 2 step plan:

Step 1: Find your soul mate
Step 2: Marry them

By reading this plan you consented to have all of your phone calls monitored by the CIA.

Announcement

2006-08-11T15:08:00.000-03:00

.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

So Many Suckas on my Sacroiliac

2006-07-29T21:07:00.000-03:00

.

As I sit here, contemplating the nutritional value of the large frosty I had for supper, I'm reminded of a childhood friend of Wiggie and I, Timothy John Gwynn, or TJ.

TJ was a kind, gentle, spiritual man, a man of peace. Or course he used to beat us senseless, but never without good reason. I remember a time when Wiggie wore a red t-shirt to school. Well, for TJ, that wouldn't do, he was quite reasonable about it, actually. He took out a small hatchet and began hacking at Wiggie's right forearm. When I suggested perhaps he should stop doing that, after about 20 mins, he drove a meat hook through my nose, and tied it with a rope to Wiggie's leg, then threw me out of a second story window, dragging Wiggie to the ground with me. But we had really left him with no alternative. I mean, there's nothing else he could have done, is there? Good old TJ.

High End Cable Channels Are The Best.

2006-07-20T13:52:00.000-03:00

How else would I find out useful information on how to be a psychic detective. I need to know what psychic detectives eat, how long they sleep, how many Everybody Loves Raymond reruns is too many. Okay, that last one is more for me. The bottom line is Superstructures may be time wasting and repetitive, but it's still way better than the networks can do. And the Fight network is all fighting (and Bloodsport III) all the time.

What you don't......

2006-07-13T15:28:00.000-03:00

.

Wiggie don't cater for gossip. Yet he'll get in a cab and talk Egyptian politics.

Go Time!

2006-06-28T00:10:00.000-03:00

.

I have it on good authority that there's a new Flava Flav gettin down with the sound and he's telling you to get off his back.

Stan Fischler's Father is A Mr. Poop

2006-06-16T13:54:00.000-03:00

.

This is an accusation I have heard from countless reputable sources: Little Timmy Johnson, that kid that eats worms, Sir Reginald Archibald M.B.E., Stan Fischler's Mom, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have been able to refute this allegation through scientific research. Through a series of painful experiments, I have been able to prove that Stan Fischler's biological father is not, in fact, Mr. Fischler, but a 1928 Ford Model T. Thus his biological father cannot be a Mr. Poop as previously erroniously reported. Those of you who think I'm just rambling about nonsense, however, are, collectively, Mr. Poop

Class M Songlist

2006-06-12T18:17:00.000-03:00

Here's the updated band songlist:

Neil Young

Cortez the Killer
Rockin In The Free World
Out On The Weekend
Heart of Gold
Helpless

The Beatles

I Saw Her Standing There
I Feel Fine
The Ballad of John and Yoko
Matchbox (Pretty Boy Perkins)
Slow Down (Larry Williams)

Eric Clapton

Hoochie Coochie Man (McKinley Morganfield)

The Doors

Roadhouse Blues
Build Me A Woman

John Lennon

Stand By Me (Ben E King)

Oasis

Who Feels Love?
Chanmpagne Supernova
Wonderwall

Van Morrison

Brown Eyed Girl

Chuck Berry

Johnny B Goode

Tom Petty

Mary Jane's Last Dance
You Wreck Me

REM

It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Burton Cummings

My Own Way To Rock

George Thorogood

Move It On Over (Hank Williams)

Guess Who

Star Baby

CCR

Travellin' Band
Bad Moon Risin

Steeler's Wheel

Stuck In The Middle With You

Northern Pikes

She Ain't Pretty

Johnny Cash

Folsom Prison Blues

Originals

For Your Country
You Know It's True

I Wonder

2006-06-09T20:08:00.000-03:00

.

According to the Bible, when Jesus was born, three wise men came bearing gold, frankensence and myrr. If the messiah came again, what would wise men bring as gifts? My guess: An Apple Ipod, the complete season 2 Everybody Loves Raymond on DVD, and a lifetime supply of Mountain Dew Code Red. Man, that Mountain Dew Code Red would be sweet. I wish I was the second coming of the messiah. Damn. Sin of envy Jeff. Sorry. Damn. Sin of regret. I can't win!

What a World

2006-05-27T09:11:00.000-03:00

They keep starting wars and killing people for diamonds........but WKRP is still off the air.

Frank Bonner rules!

Due to Budget Constraints

2006-05-20T12:16:00.000-03:00

.

.........this post has been outsourced to Albania

What do you call a fat capitalist pig?

An American!

My Cat Is So Uppity........

2006-05-17T17:54:00.000-03:00

.

.......that if he had a cell phone he wouldn't consider me important enough to give me his number. And I feed him. But I still love the bastard.

In Response

2006-05-10T12:54:00.000-03:00

To the crazy anti-Canadian guy on the Daily Show last night.

I say, kudos to you, sir. kudos.

You are absolutely correct in saying that Canadians are Leprosy ridden usurpers of the American system.

I should know, because I'm a Canadian.

Not only is it true that all Canadians have leprosy and TB, we also have bubonic plague and smallpox. Not to mention the blue balls crabs and the seven year itch. You see, while highly expensive American health care has cured all of these diseases in the United States, our Universal Health care system is so overwrought with communists, nothing has been done to cure our population. That's why every Canadian seeks medical attention in the US, where the hospitals aren't made entirely of ice.

Canada's silent invasion of the US is often overlooked thanks in part to the noisy Mexican invasion. This was all planned by the Canadian government. They're less likely to hear you coming when you don't cross the border with a Mariachi band.

The eventual goal is for Canadians to overrun America, with their diseases and numbers. There are over 220 billion people in Canada. This is thanks, in large part to the ability of Canadians to reproduce in astronomical numbers. You see Canadian women don't just have children, they have litters. Five to fifteen children at a time. The gestation period is shortened due to the cold weather from 9 months, to 6 days. Therefore one Canadian couple crossing the border can produce a New York sized city in the course of a lifetime.

Americans are doomed to fall pray to our free health care and superior educational system. They're also doomed to have their culture and commerce dominated by Canadian chains such as Eaton's and Simpson's. These chains will surely put Wal-Mart out of business within the next 4 years.

I'd like to caution Americans that it's not our fault we are the way we are. If you grew up with 800 brothers and sisters, you'd have a chip on your shoulder, too. And smallpox.

Lets Get a Few Things Straight

2006-05-09T20:55:00.000-03:00

.

1. Liberalism is a disease. Look it up. You say you did look it up and the book you looked it up in said it's not a disease, but a political ethos. Well that book is diseased. Diseased with liberalism.

2. Facts are all well and good to get a point accross. I prefer fuzzy logic. It's much easier and requires a lot less research. Besides facts are just what the truth would be if it wasn't made up by fuzzy logicians, like Winnie The Pooh.

3. If you start a war, you have to see it through til the end. No matter how pointless and bloody it is. It's the same principle as a mother telling her child she can't leave the table until she cleans her plate. Except in war, the plate is Fallujah.

4. Madballs. They're mad, AND they're balls. AND I'm mad about their balls. Wait, that didn't come out right.

5. The Gentle Jeffdom stands by the Bush Administration, and Condemns the recent actions of Burkina Faso. I don't really know what their up to.........but I'm sure it's no good.

Lock Jaw

2006-05-08T20:51:00.000-03:00

He's hilarious. He's named Lock Jaw, and he's got a pad lock on his lips.

So his jaw is literally locked.

One thing you can be sure of, Mad Balls will be around for ever.

The novelty never wears off........

Heh heh Lock Jaw

New Gentle Jeffdom Policy

2006-05-04T15:25:00.000-03:00

Here in the Gentle Jeffdom, we don't want your tired, your sick, you huddled masses yearning to breathe free, mostly because that would piss off the Americans, and they have deep pockets.

What we do want, however, is your sacks full of currency, preferrably in unmarked, non-sequential bills, in large denominations if possible. We do accept Pesos. We're not fancy here.

Jeff Tournament of Jeffs Final

2006-05-02T13:14:00.000-03:00

It all comes down to this

The final of the Jeff Tournament of Jeffs pits Blues Guitarist Jeff Beck against NWA:TNA Superstar Jeff Hardy.

Has blood feud with Jimmy Page: Beck
Has Blood feud with Gary Coleman: Hardy
Doesn't have to juice to do his job: Beck
Spends a lot of time at Juice bars: Hardy
Better known around the world: Beck
Better known in Nebraska: Hardy
Worked with blues greats: Beck
Worked til black and blue: Hardy
Will actually show up to an advertised appearance: Beck
No longer has Chiggers: Beck

Your winner and the new Best famous Jeff of all time:

Blues guitarist Jeff Beck

He wins the Vice Presidency of the Gentle Jeffdom, plus a lifetime supply of Scotch Guard.

Congratulations Jeff Beck!

Candy is Sweet

2006-04-28T13:32:00.000-03:00

The Jeff Tournament of Jeffs final will take place early next week.

For today here's a list of my top 5 candies of all time:

5. Jelly tots: Rock sugar covering drops of fruit flavoured Jelly, no longer available, but a childhood favorite.

4. Clodhoppers: Stupid damn Nova Scotia original candy is too damned addictive.

3. Brownie Bear Cookies: These are English chocolate covered digestive biscuits. I don't know what makes them better than the Canadian version, but they are.

2. Chipoppities: Mini chocolate chip cookies sold as a candy bar. They haven't been available for nigh on 20 years, but mini Chips Ahoy! are no substitute.

1. King Size Kit Kat Bars: I have a serious issue with these, as if I buy one, it must be eaten right away, I can't even get the damn thing home. Hence why I buy them so rarely.

Jeff Tournament of Jeffs Round 6

2006-04-27T17:56:00.000-03:00

Return of the Jeffi

Okay, that joke sucked.

The second semi final pits comedian Jeff Foxworthy vs. NWA:TNA Superstar Jeff Hardy

Most General Knowledge: Hardy
Most General Knowledge about inbreeding: Foxworthy
Cooks A Mean Possum: Foxworthy
Serves up a healthy portion of Whoopins': Hardy
More Brain cells: Hardy
Less Brain Cells Lost being put through a table: Foxworthy
More brain cells to lose: Hardy
Less freaky: Foxworthy
Less freaky-smelling: Hardy
Has never told a joke about inbreeding relating to personal experience on stage: Hardy

There you have it, Hardy wins semi-final #2 6-4 over Foxworthy.

The finals are set:

Jeff Beck Vs. Jeff Hardy

Stay tuned!

Jeff Tournament of Jeffs Round 5

2006-04-25T11:31:00.000-03:00

The Jeffpire Strikes Back

Ooooooh Semi-Final time

Semi-Final #1 pits NASCAR Racer Jeff Gordon against Blues Guitarist, Jeff Beck.

Contracted fewer STDs: Gordon
Contracted fewer STDs from immediate family members: Beck
Last name also a beer: Beck
Last name also a character on Sesame Street: Gordon
More points left on driver's license: Beck
Less likely to experience "helmet head":Beck
Endorses UAP NAPA: Gordon
Least knuckle hair: Beck
Played in the Yardbirds: Beck
Shoots his yard birds: Gordon

We have our first finalist, Blues Guitarist Jeff Beck, as he defeats NASCAR Racer Jeff Gordon.

Stay Tuned for Semi-Final #2 as Comedian Jeff Foxworthy takes on NWA:TNA Superstar Jeff Hardy

Jeff Tournament of Jeffs Round 4

2006-04-19T16:38:00.000-03:00

What the Jeff?

If Rodan's first name was Jeff, I've made a horrible error in not including him in the tournament.

Today's conflict pits owner of the Florida Marlins and Art Dealer Jeffrey Loria against NWA:TNA professional wrestler Jeff Hardy

Less likely to no-show a PPV: Loria
Has lost in the first round of "Fear Factor": Hardy
Has been a defendant in an Anti-Trust lawsuit: Loria
Innovator of the "swanton bomb": Hardy
More in control of his mental faculties: Loria
Would win a Ladder match between the two: Hardy
Would win a race up the corporate ladder: Loria
More clean living: Hardy
Can dye hair green like a mother...you-know: Hardy
Can be seen from space at night-time due to flourecent face paint: Hardy

Hardy wins Round 4 6-4

The semis are set: Gordon vs. Beck, and Hardy vs. Foxworthy

Stay tuned!

Jeff Tournament of Jeffs Round 3

2006-04-18T13:54:00.000-03:00

Jeff with a Vengence

Today's competition pits Comedian Jeff Foxworthy against Mighty Ducks of Anaheim Forward Jeff Friesen.

More Stanley Cup Rings: Friesen
Saves on x-mas cards by sending combined father/grandpa card to 1 guy: Foxworthy
Walking NASCAR Encyclopedia: Foxworthy
Plays to bigger crowds: Friesen
Had own sitcom: Foxworthy
Gun Rack Has A Gun Rack: Foxworthy
Gets Better Reactions In LA: Friesen
Gets Better Reactions in Mobile: Foxworthy
Has written books despite illiteracy: Foxworthy
Still Has a career: Friesen

Damn Redneck Foxworthy wins 6-4

stay tuned for Round 4

Jeff Tournament of Jeffs Round 2

2006-04-17T14:41:00.000-03:00

Fight

If only E. Honda was named Jeff Honda, we'd have a clear winner

Round 2

Actor Jeff Bridges vs. Blues Guitarist Jeff Beck

Never Been Replaced by Jimmy Page: Bridges
Not a Pothead: Beck
Been In More Movies: Bridges
Sold More Albums: Beck
Played Onstage With Muddy Waters: Beck
Played "The Dude" in the Big Lebowski: Bridges
More Famous Dad: Bridges
Replaced Eric Clapton: Beck
Sold out MSG: Beck
Sold out to studio to do "Blown Away": Bridges

Uh-oh tie. We need a tiebreaker, and here it is:

Better Hair: Beck

Jeff Beck wins round 2 in a squeaker.

Stay tuned for round 3

The Gentle Jeffdom Presents The Jeff Tournament of Jeffs

2006-04-12T17:38:00.000-03:00

Who is the best famous Jeff?

We'll find out in this Who's Better tournament.

Round 1

NASCAR Driver Jeff Gordon Vs. Serial Killer Jeffrey Dahmer

Repeated the 8th Grade the least number of times: Dahmer
Never had sex with severed body parts: Gordon
Has not lured teenages into his apartment for rape/murder: Gordon
Faster Driver: Gordon
Most Press Coverage: Dahmer
Never been murdered: Gordon
Smarter When both alive: Dahmer
Smarter Now: Gordon
Most Endorsement Deals: Gordon
Best Stock Portfolio: Gordon

Jeff Gordon wins first round easily, 7-3.

Stay tuned for round 2

What You Gonna Do Wit All That Junk?

2006-04-11T17:21:00.000-03:00

5 Best NES games:

Nobunaga's Ambition
Shanghai
Romance of the 3 Kingdoms
Gauntlet
Excitebike

Honorable Mention goes to Commando, Super Mario Bros 2, Baseball Stars and Blades of Steel.

The Gentle Jeffdom's First Trade Deal

2006-04-05T10:10:00.000-03:00

The Gentle Jeffdom has sent a copy of the first Milli Vanilli album "Girl, You Know It's True" to Burkina Faso for future considerations. This marks the first trade agreement for the Gentle Jeffdom, but not the last, as we have several more crappy CDs to send to far away places.

........And the Band Name Is.........

2006-03-23T16:23:00.000-04:00

.

Class M

The Gentle Jeffdom is Pleased to Announce.......

2006-03-17T10:36:00.000-04:00

....

The Gentle Jeffdom's first offcial state holiday:

The nationwide "Order Olives (Black or Green) on a Pizza Day", to take place on July 17 each year. This is a paid holiday from work, because we anticipate everyone eating a LOT of Pizza. Those who do not order olives on a Pizza on this day will be forced to work every Saturday for a year, without olives.

Laws of the Jeffdom

2006-03-14T10:47:00.000-04:00

.

If I had my own country, which I would call the Gentle Jeffdom, these would be some of the laws.

1. Users of recreational drugs would be given free lobodamies. That way, they'd be stoned all the time with no drugs, and the crime rate would be very low.

2. If you murder someone, you better run, boy. (Unless that someone is Don Henly.)

3. All music in the Jeffdom must be pre-appoved by me. So long Faith Hill, Celine Dion, Ricky Martin, Kenny G.

4. The King of Kensington Is Extra-super-duper banned for being crappy. (Screw you Waxman!)

5. All television shows must abstain from using the phrase "Talk to the Hand"

6. All people must abstain for using the phrase "Talk to the Hand"

7. All employees of the Jeffdom must wear Cowboy hats, and have their name legally changed to "Allan the Cowboy" for accounting purposes.

8. Parents are required to not name their children after soft drinks.

9. Kids will be taught Advanced Weaseling Out of Things in High School.

10. Anyone cuaght Breaking and Entering will be forced to watch every episode of Full House 1000 times while strapped into a dentist's chair.

More Band News

2006-03-13T10:16:00.000-04:00

.

Well, we'll have an ad in to get a lead guitarist this week to complete the band. Here's an updated list of the songs we have down:

Move It On Over - George Thorogood
I Feel Fine - The Beatles
Slow Down - Larry Williams
Matchbox - Pretty Boy Perkins
Johnny B Goode - Chuck Berry
Hoochie Coochie Man - Muddy Waters
Build Me A Woman - The Doors
Rockin' In The Free World - Neil Young
Helpless - Neil Young
Star Baby - Guess Who
My Own Way To Rock - Burton Cummings
Knockin' On Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan
You Wreck Me - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Columbia - Oasis
Pride And Joy - Stevie Ray Vaughn

Notes: Travellin' Band was scrapped because I can't sing the damn thing. Knockin' on Heaven's Door sung by our drummer, Lenny. Songs to be added soon: Bama Lama Bama Loo, She Ain't Pretty, Slow Ride, Sick of Myself, Ballad of John and Yoko, The Weight.

Worst Jobs Ever

2006-03-12T08:15:00.000-04:00

.

I formally challenge Brian A Doyle to come up with a serious (real) job that's worse than this:

Being one of the people who has to clean up body parts after an aeroplane crash.

In other news, I saw The Arctic Monkeys for the first time on SNL last night. They may not be the next Beatles, as everyone says, but they're pretty damn good.

Quote of the Day

2006-03-11T08:06:00.000-04:00

And since I rarely do this, probably quote of the year.

"You want to save society but it's people that you just can't stand"

-John Lennon from I Don't Want To Face It

Did You Ever Have One of Those Days ?

2006-03-07T14:08:00.000-04:00

.

Where you felt like you were eaten by a lion and transformed to lion poop?

I actually know what that feels like.

Once, a lion ate me.

And I was turned into lion poop.

Through the magic of medical science.

I'm back to normal again.

Except the smell.

I doghead Mexican Food.

A Short Poem About My Hatred of EMO

2006-03-02T11:50:00.000-04:00

.

I hate emo,
Yes I do
I hate emo
You know it's true
Matchbox 20
Train
John Mayer
Rob Thomas solo crap
And others of that ilk
But I hope no one kills them
Then I'd never hear the end
Of their emo crap.

My Classic (And True) One-Liner

2006-02-28T14:12:00.000-04:00

I'm part Jewish, and part German, so my wife has to keep stopping me from throwing myself in the oven.

Hilarious.

Yeah, Well

2006-02-24T12:45:00.000-04:00

At least I'm not the result of a drunken back seat gropefest and a broken prophylactic, you tottering fen-stuffed applejohn.

More Band News

2006-02-23T13:51:00.000-04:00

Well, after practising for a while we have most of a set mastered. Here it is:

Helpless -Neil Young
Rockin' In the Free World - Neil Young
Move it On Over - George Thorogood & The Destroyers
My Own Way To Rock - Burton Cummings
Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry
Matchbox - Pretty Boy Perkins
Slow Down - Larry Williams
Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan
Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
Travellin' Band - CCR

I think this Sunday I'm looking at adding The Beatles' "I Feel Fine", and The Doors' "Build Me A Woman" probably "The Weight" by the Band and a couple of originals as well. That's my self-indulgant band update for the next little while.

It's Fun

2006-02-22T10:56:00.000-04:00

to charter an accountant,
And sail the wide accountan-cy.
To find, explore the funds offshore,
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy.

20 Questions For President George W Bush

2006-02-21T11:16:00.000-04:00

1. Why are you the greatest President ever?

2. Crew cut sweat socks, or tube socks?

3. Why does being a male cheerleader make you more manly than being an offensive tackle?

4. What's it like to serve in the military?

5. Luxembourg or Monaco, which country is gayer?

6. Finish this sentance: "The Night Chicago Died" is the greatest song ever because....

7. Why don't the people of New Orleans stop whining about FEMA and help themselves?

8. Why is it that you would so easily beat Heavyweight Champion of the World Nikolai Valuev in a fight?

9. Could you break down for the people at home how you single-handedly ended the cold war and averted a nuclear disaster?

10. Where did you learn how to BBQ such a great burger?

11. Do you know Gorbachev personally, and, if so, what's the deal with that red bird dropping on his communist head?

12. Your Dad's an Astros fan. You're the former owner of the Rangers. Why do the Mets always suck, no matter how many star players they sign?

13. Is Ted Turner really.......you know?

14. Steak and baked potato, or pure uncut Columbian blow?

15. In two words or less, explain why "our god" is better than "their god"?

16. Finish this song lyric "Baby, if you've ever wondered. Wondered whatever became of me. I'm livin' on the air in Cincinati.....blank"

17. Which is more dangerous, allowing nail clippers on a commercial flight, or quail hunting with the Vice President?

18. When can Gary Coleman expect his "Greatest American Ever" award?

19. For our slower witted friends out there could you explain the phrase "Guns good, Peace Bad" in depth.

20. How can Wall-Mart afford to sell things so cheaply? I mean $20 for a pair of leather shoes? That's SO awesome.

Gummi Bears

2006-02-20T16:09:00.000-04:00

I told my Dad about a show I'm writing with the Wigmiester which involves me having to go into Gummi Bear rehab. His reaction: "Thanks a lot, now you have me dying for Gummi Bears."

I'm the spokesguy for Gummi Bears. You hear that, Allan/Trebor? I want compensation. In the form of gummi bears.

I Gots the Bomb Beats

2006-02-18T10:11:00.000-04:00

Click Click Ding

Click Click Ding

Ah, mid nineties teenage white wannabe rappers. On the metro transit bus. And I still remember over 10 years later. Hilarious.

There's been a lot of controversy in the news the last couple of weeks. Michael Jackson's conversion to Islam. The muslim world's reaction to a Danish cartoon that depicts Mohammed, The Vice President shooting a 78 year old man in the face, and a Russian cross country skier losing her silver medal due to a doping infraction.

The biggest story, however, is that WKRP in Cincinati is still not back on the air. I'm deeply saddened to report that after 17 years of being off air following the unsuccessful The New WKRP in Cincinati, WKRP has still not been picked up for a new season.

The Big Guy, Arthur Carlson (Gordon Jump), also know as the Maytag Man, is the only member of the cast to have passed away. Though not replaceable, they could certainly work around that with Andy Travis (Gary Sandy), in the lead role. Then they could make the two additions that make any show........

Mr. T and Gary Coleman. They could be called T&C, and could be the WKRP co-program directors. When Mr. T got mad at Herb, he could throw Gary Coleman at him. That'll teach Frank Bonner to wear white shoes and a white belt.

So in closing, WKRP good, doping bad.

Hey, I just realised the head of the World Doping Agency's name is Dick Pound

Heh heh heh heh........Dick Pound.

How To Irritate People

2006-02-15T12:35:00.000-04:00

Since Wiggie did the self help-post about weight loss, I thought, how can I help people. Here's a few tips on how to irratate people.

Tip #1: Shower them with obviously false praise. If someone does something stupid, like, say, nails themselves to the roof, start praising their intelligence, all the while ignoring their cries for help. Use phrases that make it obvious that you're being insincere, like "You are SO smart" or "My chapter of Mensa is meeting at my house tonight, and they would just LOVE to meet you".

Tip #2: Walk up to a stranger and ask them an inane question, like "Do you know if it's going to rain today?". next, ignore their answer, and re-ask the question in exactly the same tone as you asked it the first time. Continue until the stranger leaves in frustration. At your own risk, you can watch where they go and follw a minute or two behind to repeat the process. Be careful if you choose to follow them. This is "How to Irritate People" not "How to get punched in the Mouth."

Tip #3: While at work, do nothing but sing bad R&B songs off key. When your boss comes to talk to you about it, only respond by increasing the volume.

Tip #4: Walk up to the same sex member of a couple in a public place, and act like you know them. Give them the hint you were in the 4th grade together, and then make them guess who you are. Whatever name they say, tell them they're right. Then, with a big smile on your face, say "Say, you remember when we killed that guy?". When they respond with "no" or "what?", change you expression to a serious one and say "That's right you don't." Then walk away confidently.

Snow

2006-02-14T12:19:00.000-04:00

I hate snow.

Seriously, since I had my car accident because of it, snow has been my enemy. So, how elese do you deal with an enemy but writing a free form poem about it.

Snow
Clean and white, yet so dirty
Like the priest who has a secret addiction to MacIntosh's toffee
Almost sacreligious

When the first flake of the year hits the ground
The eyes of children twinkle with delight
So do the eyes of my chiropractor

Does the snow know that I have a three car driveway?
Of course it does
It finds that funny
And mocks me
By dumping itsself all over that driveway
And burying all three cars
Except a small area around one of them
Stupid piece of crap and its gas leak

Snow causes me to smoke
Not because I don't know that smoking is bad for me
Or because snow is stressful
But because I'm postive
The cigarettes won't get a chance to kill me
That's the snow's job

Whether it be by car accident or heart attack
I do not know
What the hell do I care?
Either way I'm permanently as cold
As snow.

Best Way To Break the News You've Been Laid Off

2006-02-10T15:39:00.000-04:00

At my work everyone, pretty much except me, was laid off this week. I wasn't because I live halfway between this call center and another one the company runs (in Kentville, NS), and I just transferred. Everyone else around here was pretty angry or hurt by the situation, and the owner of the company deciding honesty was the best policy, let everyone know exactly what the decision making process was. The following is a list of phrases that could have softened the blow of letting everyone know they've been laid off:

1. Hey, your Moms all died.........just kidding. You're fired, though.

2. Say, did I ever metion how the light brings out the you're fired in your eyes?

3. You guys want some more time to get drunk and watch Green Acres reruns on TV Land? Well have I got good news for you!

4. If you go to the break room, there's a nice heaping plate of you're fired in there for you.

5. Remember the episode of the Family Guy where Peter got fired? Have you ever heard the phrase art imitates life?

6. Ladies and Gentleman.......Mr. Don Henly. Just yankin' your chain, you're all fired.

7. Last year 6 people accidentally asphyxiated using charcoal BBQs indoors. Sort of puts things in perspective. Things like you all being unemployed.

The Ideal Job

2006-02-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

The following is a list of what I perceive to be the best jobs in the world

1. Test Audience Member for hilarious Cartoons: Getting paid to laugh and urinate in my pants all day would be a dream come true.

2. Professional Ninja: Ninjas have gotten a bad rap lately, but I know that I could eat pizza and beat up rhinos and warthogs with the best of them.

3. Girl Drink Drunk: Sure, It causes you to be homeless, but who cares when you have a soothing Chocolate Choo Choo, or Tequila Sunrise.

4. President of the United States: If I were president, I'd wage war on Burkina Faso. Then there would be no casualties.

5. Vaudeville Piano Player: My piano playing would disctract audiences from performer's debilitating injuries, bringing happiness to all........except those with debilitating injuries.

Best....Product....Ever!

2006-02-07T19:35:00.000-04:00

http://www.urinegone.com

Works on almost any surface inside and out?

Outside?

The outdoor version of this product has existed for years.

It's called rain.

Man-E-Faces

2006-02-04T12:14:00.000-04:00

My favorite toy as a child was my Man-E-Faces He-Man action figure. Man-E-Faces was a regular guy who could change between Robot, Monster, and human, with the use of a dial on his head. Here now, is my free verse poem about Man-E-Faces.

Oh, Man-E-Faces
You have so many faces
Three to be exact
Though you were never one who could be reduced to a number.

First there is your Robot face
Cold, and uncaring
Like a Math teacher announcing to the class that I've failed my final exam
Though passed the course
heartless and logical
cling, clang, bang!
Death, to the undead

Then there is your green monster side
A precursor to BeBop and to a lesser extent
Rocksteady
Green, with huge lower fangs
Like a young Liz Taylor
Only, with fewer husbands

Finally your human side
Filled with passion in the defense of castle Greyskull
Passion which could only occasionally be contained
With a snickers and grape crush

Once, i dropped you in lake Walaback
And in fear that I had killed you
I turned the dial furiously,
Like a hamster trying to escape on a steel wheel
But, you were not dead, you were fine
You were the reliable one
Not like Moss Man

Moss Man whom was ruined with Mattel He-Man brand slime
Slime which contained the warning
"Do not use on Moss Man"
But I did use on Moss Man
And He was ruined
Oh, Mattel, why do you taunt me with dares
Disguised as warnings
Damn you Mattel!
Damn Moss Man, too
You were never even on the He Man and the Masters of the Universe serial
So who needs you?
You substandard piece of crap
Who needs Moss Man?
When I have........

Man-E-Faces

Updated Site

2006-02-03T18:35:00.000-04:00

I've just cleaned things up a little. Not to make them less green, just a slightly different shade of green. Because if there's one thing I'm good at it's gardening. Yep. Gardening. Diggin' in the old Garden. Which I've never done. But I'm sure I'm good at. Or Not.

I had and Optimus Prime, and Starscream transformers, but I always wanted That guy who played tapes that turned into birds. And Bumblebee. And Inferno. But Alas, I had a very complete He-Man set instead, complete with castle Greyskull, Panthar, and Battle cat. All I was missing was Man At Arms and Orko. But they suck.

In conclusion. Goths good. Visigoths better, Mongol Hordes great.

Band on the Slow-Paced Walk

2006-01-28T10:20:00.000-04:00

So, I'm putting together a band, and we have no idea what to call ourselves. My idea was Fumigation, so that the Marquees would read: Aug 12 - Fumigation. But that would tend to make no one show up, which could be a good thing, so long as we get paid. Or we could go the other way and call ourselves $0.05 Rib Eye Steak but then we'd be playing to an angry, angry crowd. Oh, well I guess the name will come later. For now, we've selcted a ten song opening set to work on:

Move It On Over (George Thorogood or Hank Williams)
Slow Down (The Beatles)
I Saw Her Standing There (The Beatles)
Honky Tonk Woman (Rolling Stones)
Bad Case of Lovin' You (Robert Palmer)
She Ain't Pretty (The Northern Pikes)
You Wreck Me (Tom Petty)
Johnny B Goode (Chuck Berry)
Keep Your Hands To Yourself (Georgia Sattelites)
Travellin' Band (CCR)

No One Reads This

2006-01-26T11:49:00.000-04:00

So I can say anything I want.........Depeche Mode is an above average band.

So there.

In Defense of Bears

2006-01-21T14:43:00.000-04:00

Bears are one of nature's most misunderstood creatures. They are happy loving creatures, filled with murderous rage at the park rangers that keep them from delicious picnic baskets. They chose to express that rage by horribly mauling backpackers. So, you shouldn't judge bears, you should embrace them, so they can express their rage on your sorry backpacking ass.

Sinus..........Infections.........

2006-01-19T15:34:00.000-04:00

...............suck!

Mothers Against Noise?!?

2006-01-14T14:40:00.000-04:00

WTF?!?

I just read about this activist goup, Mothers Against Noise. And MAN (pun intended) am I upset about it. This is the same kind of group that tried to have the Dead Kennedys not only banned, but jailed in the 80s. I don't usually go on serious rants, but this is an anti-fee speech group and I don't think a hate-group like this should be allowed to exist. They want to ban any music that encourages independat thought. They're trying to promote an Orwellian vision of Utopia, which, to me is unacceptable.

Here's the URL for their evil and wrong organization:

http://www.mothersagainstnoise.us/

.......And here's the URL of a group lampooning the organization

http://www.mothersagainstnoise.org/

Commercials that suck

2006-01-13T12:29:00.000-04:00

........and are aired too often in Canada

1. Kirstie Alley for Jenny Craig "It's Rainin' Men commercial". Now, I don't have anything against Kirstie Alley, or the song "It's Rainin' Men", wait I do. Kirstie Alley has seriously creeped me out since she replaced Shelly Long on "Cheers". I get a serial killer vibe from her. As for "It's Rainin' Men" it's a given that a heterosexual male isn't going to like that song. On Court TV Canada that commercial is played every 8 mins.

2. Whichever bank it is that has the stupid "Hands In My Pocket" add. Played constantly, it's a song with one line. Not a very effective ad, since it's on constantly on my network of choice, Discovery Civilization, and I don't even remember what company it's for.

3. Oh Henry, where the guy talks to his hunger (who, strangely, it a guy dressed in a tutu). Nothing against the ad in particular, but it doesn't matter what Oh Henry does to advertise, they'll always be a poor man's Snickers.

4. That Nissan commercial that plays "Dust In the Wind" by Kansas. It just doesn't make any sense that a shipment of new cars would suddenly turn to dust on the truck they're being shipped on, just because they were passed by a Nissan. It's ironic that this would be a Nissan ad, since they're known to rust easily.

For Info on My Trade .........

2006-01-06T18:44:00.000-04:00

Go to this link http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Hockey/Junior/2006/01/03/1377567-cp.html

Ladies and Gentlemen.........

2006-01-06T18:37:00.000-04:00

As of Tuesday, January 3 I have been traded from the Quebec Rempart to the Rouyn-Noranda Huskies. I would like to thank the Rempart for my time with their organization and look forward to kicking their ass in the future.

The Season of Caring is Over

2006-01-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

The season of apathy has at last returned.

I'm thankful I haven't received any responses to my non existant blog posts that involve smugness or advertising products I don't need.

Boy my friend/arch nemisis Wiggie has been shaming me by the sheer volume of his posting lately. I thought that seeing me for the first time in 4 years would make my apathy rub off on him. Aparrently not.

My Christmas gifts this year included a sporty new sude jacket, a very nice Boston Bruins hooded sweatshirt, Capcom Classics for the x box, Famiily guy complete Season 3 boxed set, and an eliminator power box power inverter (as I live in the country I figured I'd need it)

I have a bone to pick with the folks at the CBC run Country Canada digital cable channel. They decided to show the Beachcomber's Christmas on Dec. 30. I hate x-mas shows after x-mas. It's like advertising a product that won't be available for 1 year.

I resolved to lose 30 pounds this year. I decided it counted if I lost it then regained it. I'm going to be the mail Ricky Lake, without the earrings and obnoxiousness.

Now that mexican Jesus is Hibernating in his cave until Groundhog day, you must remember that former Houston Oilers QB Warren Moon is in charge, as spiritual leader of the world, until February.

I wish the best for everyone in the new year, except for smug, stuck up mutes. They can talk, they just don't wanna, because we're not good enough for them. Well, screw you mutey!

Happy Crimble!

2005-12-09T09:38:00.000-04:00

Wow, I haven't updated in a while. Moving makes you lazy.

In any event the holidays are here again, and you know what that means........Fistfights between people who say "Merry Christmas" and are offended by the term Happy Holidays, and people who say "Happy Holidays" and are offended by the term "Merry Christmas". You know, Christmas, in large part, has become a secular Holiday anyway, so there really no reason for anyone to be offended at the term "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays", since New Year's and Christmas actually constitute 2 holidays. That's enough of me getting on my high horse.

Anyway with this being the Season and all, I thought I'd write my X-Mas wishes:

1. Someone, somewhere shows the WKRP Christmas special parody of "A Christmas Carol" With Venus Flytrap as the Ghost of Christmas Present. Les not wanting to eat Ham because it's made from pigs was very funny.

2. The Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas argument results in a Yuletide of blood, with casualties being only people that take trivialities so seriously.

3. The long overdue Gary Coleman/Mr. T Christmas special. It's christmas gold!

4. The cancellation of Hope & Faith. Kelly needs more time to concentrate on Live! With Regis and Kelly, which is almost never entertaining.

5. That all of the children of the world don't join hands and sing. Because if they did, it would only be a matter of time before they realized their enourmous worldwide power, and the child revolution would surely see all of us adults die, because we would be caught by surprise, and too disorganized to stop it. Do you want to live in a world built of Lego? I know I don't.

Those are my Christmas wishes. Mostly concerned with people I care about and myself not dying. And being healthy. And Tim Reid.

Worst Artists Ever!

2005-10-27T18:43:00.000-03:00

In keeping with my negative world view, I thought I'd follow up 50 worst songs with 25 worst artists ever here they are.

1. Faith Hill - Until I found out that Breathe, The Way You Love Me and This Kiss were all by the same, satanic artist Don Henley would have been #1. I didn't realize that Faith Hills level of suck existed.

Worst song: Breathe

2. Don Henly - I know you write that crappy music just to punish me for something, but I can't figure out what. I do know that one day, Don, one day, I'm going to cut off that pony tail......Desperado.

Worst Song: Hotel California

3. Rod Stewart - There are no original parts left on his body. In answer to his question, Do ya think I'm sexy? Manequins do, because they're also made of plastic.

Worst Song: Tonight's the Night

4. Matchbox 20 - This whiny, I'm so in touch with my (fake) feelings crap is out of control. Someone end it and save me.

Worst Song: Unwell

5. Paul Anka: If you look up annoying sycophant in the dictionary.........

Worst Song: Diana

6. Dan Hill: Do you even have a penis, dude? Seriously, which washroom do you use?

Worst Song: Sometimes When We Touch

7. Sarah McLaughlin: She changes the words to the one melody she's written over and over and still DOESN'T STOP SUCKING.

Worst Song: The Arms of and Angel

8. Anne Murray: On the wings of a snow white dove, god sends a metorite crashing into the Earth so no one has to suffer through "Snowbird" again.

Worst Song: Snowbird

9. Tommy James and the Shondelles: You know, I really don't see how anything they did is anything but annoying. What the hell is a Shondelle, anyway?

Worst Song: Crimson & Clover

10. Train: This music is made for people who aren't very smart, let's face it. Also tone deaf. Like the lead singer of Train.

Worst Song: Drops of Jupiter

11. No Doubt/Gwen Stefani: Could the material be any weaker?

Worst Song: Don't Speak

12. Dave Matthews: Friend to anyone who uses drugs. You need to use drugs to find his crap interesting.

Worst Song: Crash

13. Michael Bolton: Well, obviously.

Worst Song: How Am I Supposed to Live Without You

14. Richard Marx: You, sir, are an insult to the good name of Harpo. Wherever you go, whatever you do I will be right there waiting for you (with a gun).

Worst Song: Right There Waiting

15. Bette Midler: Actually worse at singing than acting. And ALWAYS irritating.

Worst Song: From A Distance

16. Leslie Gore: From Sunshine Lollypops and Rainbows to It's My Party, is there anything she can't do? Oh yeah, sing.

Worst Song: It's My Party

17. Phil Collins: Steal Peter Gabriel's singing style and make it lame will you? Look buddy, you just made THE LIST.

Worst Song: You'll Be In My Heart

18. Creed: A lead singer who's a religious zealot, and drug addict. Sound like another Waco waiting to happen.

Worst Song: With Arms Wide Open

19. Kathie Lee Gifford: All of her albums should be titled "Songs in the Key of Hell".

Worst Song: Sunrise, Sunset/Try To Remember.

20. Pearl Jam: I don't understand why they're on this list, Neil Young being my favorite artist. I have nothing against grunge, either, it's just this group that invariably makes me turn off hte stereo.

Worst Song: Jeremy

21. Backstreet Boys: Okay, this one's a gimmie, and too easy. I'll leave it at that.

Worst Song: I Want It That Way

22. Alanis Morrisette: Everything she puts out is a complaint about something minor. I can see why Dave Coulier left her.

Worst Song: Ironic

23. Barry Manilow: He writes the songs that make Santa Clause himself vomit with rage.

Worst Song: I Write the Songs.

24. Celine Dion: A female comic did a whole routine about having to sit next to Celine Dion on a plane. She said Celine smells bad. So, she stinks figuratvely and literally.

Worst Song: My Heart Will Go On

25. Alan Jackson: When he was way down yonder on the Chatahoochie he should have learned not to suck.

Worst Song: The itty bitty song

More 50 Worst Songs

2005-10-22T11:59:00.000-03:00

21. The Way You Love Me - Faith Hill - If Faith Hill had any idea how much torture she's been the cause of for me, she might stop singing. I doubt it though, because only someone truly evil could make this music.

22. With Arms Wide Open - Creed - The lead singer sounds like a goat. Someone must stop him. Before it's too late.

23. Take A Letter Maria - RB Greaves- A song that celebrates being a deadbeat Dad. How wonderful.

24. Diana - Paul Anka - Great idea to write a song where you try to pick up a girl with the line "you're so old".

25. Mambo #5 - Lou Bega - I've never been so glad an artist was a one hit wonder. I broke many a sterio over this song......Many a stereo.....

26. Sometimes when we Touch -Dan Hill - It's funny that a guy who's never had a girlfriend would write this song. Which makes me think he wrote it to his penis.

27. In the Year 2525 - Zager and Evans - I don't know why they allowed this song to be made, it inspires such VIOLENT hated in so MANY people.

28. My Heart Will Go On - Celene Dion - The highlight of the Canadian Live 8 concert was the crowd unanimously booing Celene Dion. Had she been there she would have cried, and I'd have been happy.

29. If You Could Read My Mind - Connie Kaldor - The original should also appear here, but that would be superfluous. This version is listed because it's worse than even Liza Manelli's version.

30. Believe - Cher - Cher freely admits they altered the vocals because she can no longer sing. Yet people still flocked to the Wal-Marts in droves to buy it. I hate people

31. If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher - If I could turn back time, I'd have burned the master to this shlock before it was released.

32. Crash - Dave Matthews Band- Need more proof than this that lots of people smoke pot? I don't. This is the best point I can make to keep pot illegal.

33. 100 Years - Five For Fighting - This isn't music, it's a goddamn hallmark card, someone please stop him!

34. Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer - If you were retarded, and I'm not saying you are, I could see you liking this song.

35. Umbrella - Dog's Eye View- Can you tell yet I hate emo? Well, I hate emo. And this song. No soup for you.

36. 3 AM - Matchbox 20 - Baby, it's three AM and time you shut the hell up, Rob. Seriously. Christ I'd like to rip the goddamn earrings out of your head.

37. Crimson and Clover - Tommy James and the Shondelles - The problem created by this song is further compounded by the fact that it's an A&W commercial now, that strangely seems to imply incest. I don't know how they thought that would boost burger sales.

38. We Built This City - Starship - Mainly on the grounds that it destroyed the fanbase of the band with its horridness.

39. The Thong Song - Sisqo - I hate novelty songs, and this one stands out for being singularly stupid.

40. It's My Party - Leslie Gore - I would cry, too, if forced to once again listen to this song.

41. Somewhere Out There - Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram - This song actually made me hate the Adorable Fivel from an American Tale. Fivel was later eaten by my cat.

42. Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes - As long as we're on the topic of crappy duets.

43. Almost Paradise - Air Supply - Damn stupid 80s music that damn stupid sucks.

44. Dust In the Wind - Kansas - A song by nihlists for nihlists. This is morbidly depressing, and not in a groovy Radiohead way. With an almost non-existant melody.

45. The Other Me - Paul McCartney - Sorry Macca, couldn't let you get away with this one. Contains the line "I acted like a dustbin lid". Profound.

46. How Am I Supposed to Live Without You - Michael Bolton- One day a blood vessel will pop in his head, he makes the takin' a dump face when he sings. Good softball player, though.

47. The Greatest Love of All - Whitney Houston - If you could take every inspirational piece of crap ever recorded/written and combine it into one song, this'd be the one.

48. From a Distance - Bette Midler - A song that talks down to god. Way to go Midler, you've shown us that you don't think you're god, you think you're better than god. No ego on this one at all.

49. You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins - Why do people buy this muzac?

50. Climb Every Mountain - Rodgers and Hammerstein - The most popular record of the 60s, and by far the worst.

50 Worst Songs, continued

2005-10-22T10:09:00.000-03:00

11. MacArthur Park - Richard Harris - You know, I don't really understand how or why someone left the cake out in the rain, but they didn't leave the recipie out in the rain. how'd he lose it. Not that I care. Ah, fuck this song.

12. Kokomo - Beach Boys - Were the Beach Boys trying to kill Brian Wilson with this track released while he was in a mental institution. If they were it backfired, he's still alive and singer Carl Wilson has since passed on. Without Brian, Carl would have been the before picture in weight loss ads.

13. Breathe - Faith Hill - Boy, Faith Hill again. If I could retitle this drivel I would retitle it "Music that destroys every last shred of hope I had for humanity."

14. Step by Step - NKOTB - These guys once claimed to be bigger than the Beatles. The other day I went to a full serve gas station, and Danny Wood pumped my gas. Seriously. I, uh, don't see Paul McCartney pumping gas.

15. The Last Worthless Evening - Don Henley - Don, seriously. You're tempting me to make it the last worthless evening YOU'VE ever had.

16. Ironic - Alanis Morrisette - You know what's ironic? Someone writing a song about irony without knowing what irony is.

17. Drops of Jupiter - Train - Train's official band motto is: There's no I in SUCK.

18. Which Way You Going, Billy? - The Poppy family - If Billy was smart he'd be on a flight to Kenya. Where they've never heard this crappy song.

19. Circle of Life - Elton John - At one time, Elton John could write some decent songs. This song is crap. Hella-crap.

20. I Believe I Can Fly - R. Kelly - This song sucks. I Believe he can tape himself peeing in a 14 year old girl's mouth. How........inspirational. Incidentally, he's the only pop star ever to say "Only Osama Bin Laden knows how I feel". You know, even Bin Laden thinks is sick you peed in a 14 year old girl's mouth.

50 Worst Songs of All Time

2005-10-21T16:42:00.000-03:00

I've been reading worst songs of all time lists, and I thought I'd build my list piecemiel. So over the next, however long it takes, I'll build my own list.

1. Hotel California - the Eagles. This song is SO bad that if I hear it playing in a store, I will leave, and have left the store where it's playing. Even if they have cheap mayonaise.

2. Unwell - Matchbox 20 - I hate Rob Thomas. One day he'll die. Then they'll play his music more. I can't win.

3. Tonight's The Night- Rod Stewart. This guy should wear a shirt that says "100% Un-Natural". The plastic surgery king with the voice like a rusty razor nearly makes me spew with this putrid piece of crap.

4. Crystal Blue Persuasion - Tommy James & the Shondelles- If there's a song that is more mindless and droning than this song, I'm sure it was also by Tommy James and the Shondelles.

5. The Arms of an Angel - Sarah MacLaughlin - This song sucks. I'm embarrased to be from the same city as this bitch.

6. Ghetto Superstar (That is What You Are) - Puff Daddy- If you're just going to change the words to an old song and release it, why pick Islands in the stream? And HOW could you actually make that song worse.

7. La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin - I don't hate him because he's gay. I hate him because his music is awful. This shit sucks ass. Just like him.

8. This Kiss - Faith Hill - In the space of 2 years I must've heard this song 200+ times just from being in stores. You know who makes to big a deal about that kiss? Faith Hill.

9. Ridin' With Private Malone - David Ball - This song is terrible. The main character rips off a mother who's child was killed in 'nam, because she doesn't know what things are worth. What an evil son of a bitch.

10. Bootylicious- Destiny's Child - If you need an explaination for why this song appears here, you're what's wrong with music.

Off the Record Haiku

2005-10-19T11:26:00.000-03:00

In my livingroom
I'm Watching Off the Record
Landsberg really stinks

Things That Bother Me

2005-10-15T10:40:00.000-03:00

Damn crows make too much damn noise. Why can't you crows be more like fire hydrants? All silent and urinated on.....

The fact that there are no decent sitcoms on TV anymore. Some people think we've had enough Chris Elliot. I don't.

The fact that impatient narcissists have probably stopped reading by now because they were impatiantly waiting to be mentioned.

The "Milk Rap"

That beer commercial that has hockey fans singing "Flashdance". What the hell does dancing have to do with hockey?

Everyone who lives in Idaho. You know, there are types of food other than potatoes.

People who can't pronounce the letter "S". It's the most common sound in the english language. Maybe we should make Stop signs read "Thtop" just to accomidate you.

Disney movies. You know, Mickey's gay. Seriously. I saw him and Goofy holding hands. It was very.....creepy.

Donald damn trump.

The following types of music: Emo, Rap, Country, R&B, Pop, NuMetal, House, Techno.

The lack of more House Party movies.

Network TV

Lacrosse. Lacrosse? What the hell kind of sport is that? It combines hockey with basket weaving.

The damn, dirty Montreal Canadiens.

Guys with Einstein hair.

The Golden Rule

2005-09-26T12:16:00.000-03:00

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.........until you're slain by a wild boar.

Well I Wish

2005-09-19T14:28:00.000-03:00

I was a catfish
Swimmin' in the whole
Deep Blue Sea

Well, currently I'd be swimming in the toxic soup filling what used to be New Orleans, so maybe that's not such a good idea.

So, Wiggie's work burned down and I can't help feeling...jealous

Not just jealous of the Money for Nothin' unemployment heques that will be forthcoming, but also of the job that involved very little customer service. The worst part of a customer service job is ........customer service. The data entry is just super.

My customer service experience has given me a recurrent vocabulary which is not beneficial in certain life situations. This vocabulary revolves around such phrases as "I can certainly assist you with that." and other phrases of the same ilk.

The following is a life situation made worse by my work vocabulary, Gentleman Jeff gets mugged:

Mugger (holding gun): All right give me your money.

Gentleman Jeff: I can certainly assist you with that. But first, could I get your home phone numebr beginning with the area code.

Mugger: What the hell is wrong with you? I have a gun!

Gentleman Jeff: Well that's as may be but I cannot proceed with this transaction without the proper verification.

Mugger: Listen give me your money or I'll shoot you.

Gentleman Jeff: I'd be happy to give you my money, but we need to start with your home phone number.

*several gunshot wounds to the chest later, Jeff lies on the groun mugger is walking away*

Gentleman Jeff: Before you go is there anything else that I can assist you with?

Mugger: Shut up!

Gentleman Jeff: Thank you for robbing Gentleman Jeff and I hope you enjoy your day.

*GJ dies*

See, this really is a dead end job.

Dealing With Mormons

2005-09-17T16:36:00.000-03:00

The next time a mormon comes to your door, open it, and say, as evily as possible: "I want to put my evil inside you". Then watch them run. Yell after them "your god can't save you now", but be prepared to clean up their bowel movements left on the street behind them. That's good advice........Bob Villa good.

Can I talk to You About the Kingdom of Heaven?

2005-09-16T09:40:00.000-03:00

I swear if one more person asks me that, or tells me to pray else face eternal damnation I'm going to scream. The thing that's particularly frustrating about this is that the people who ask/say this are all talking about different religions. To appease them all I'd have to pray to 17 different gods, thereby angering them all. Because what I believe is no one's business, I've decided to mock these people by running through a typical day for them:

5 AM- Wake up, pray until 8AM

8 AM- Breakfast: unleven bread and whole milk

9 AM- Go to temple, sacrifice cow that provided whole milk as offering to almighty. Exception: Hindus, who go to temple and sacrifice the soy beans used to make their milk.

10 AM- Pray

12 PM- Realise they've forgotten to go to work, decide to use park bench as pulpit.

2 PM- After converting several pigeons and a homeless man whacked out on wowie sauce, decide to take a break and pray.

5 PM- Supper, unleven bread and whole milk.

6 PM- Watch Billy Graham mission or non-Chritian equivalent.

7 PM- Pray

9 PM- Jehova's witnesses come by they are invited in and run away in frustration after an hour.

10 PM- Pray that anyone who believes something different than you burn in hell for eternity.

11 PM- Bed, sleep and dreams of Amish furniture.

Motivational Slogans

2005-09-12T15:18:00.000-03:00

Don't just be all that you can be, be the only one who has the antidote.

Fat is just a state of mind........until the speedos come out

Fight the power, but don't use your bare hands or you're in for a shock.

You own the power......... of sitting on the couch eating Funyons amd wathing Springer

You are a man......unless of couse you're not

Go out there and win one for the team.....OR....bet againstthe team, then go out there and lose one for the team.

Pope Visits Lake Simcoe

2005-09-09T16:37:00.000-03:00

July 22, 2002 -

Ontario, CanadaNot only is it part of the Popes job to visit many parts of the globe, but it is also his passionate goal to see as many places as he can in his life time. When questioned, as to what brought him to Lake Simcoe he replied “Well, I have been everywhere on my ‘must see’ list; ‘could be nice’ list; ‘well, what the hey’ list and ‘its so cheap I can’t afford not to’ list, now I’m basically going through all the places I really never wanted to go to.”

2005-09-09T16:32:00.000-03:00

Impolite Movie Goer Beaten to Death

2005-09-09T16:13:00.000-03:00

Michigan, Aug 12, 2002

Movie enthusiast Brad Densley was admitted to the emergency room of a local Michigan hospital Thursday evening, and was later pronounced dead. This was after being brutally beaten in a movie theatre for answering his mobile phone during a pivotal moment in the movie's plot. Right away the whimsical monotone song the cell phone rang to immediately started people hissing and moving around in their seats. "As soon as I heard Jingle Bells from across the theatre in mid August, I wanted to hurt someone." said one audience member with a notable look of anger and hatred in his face. But when Mr. Densley then answered the phone, began talking pleasantries in an almost normal voice and proceeded to relay a shopping list to his wife, the audience went absolutely nuts. "It was when he started with the shopping list and he got down to the third item which was, I dunno, milk or something. I really wanted to stick that phone up his ass. Everyone started plowing over rows of seats to get to the guy and ring his neck, including myself." commented one person involved in the beating. "From the moment I saw him in the front lobby I knew he was an arrogant loser from his ill coordinated NY Yankees hat and LA Lakers t-shirt." Stated one man who was able to get a few kidney shots into Mr. Densley before leaving the theatre in disgust on Thursday. When interviewing the wife of Mr. Densley she stated, "This sort of thing has happened before and each time I was beyond embarrassed. But I never thought it would escalate from minor fist fights and kicking matches to the point where he looses his life. I am disappointed that the theatre staff looked the other way and did nothing to prevent my husband's death, with one usher in fact joining in on the beatings." Six men and two women were later charged and sentenced to appear in court, eleven others were issued warnings.

No Mo Jericho

2005-09-07T12:51:00.000-03:00

According to his website, Y2J has quit wrestling. The Ayatollah of Rock N' Rolla will grace the RAW stage no longer. Leaving the roster pretty damned thin. What RAW needs is some new blood, new angles, some ideas:

Pete Rose comes back as a manager, of, say, Rene Dupree, whom he secretly bets against in every match.

Out of work "All Creatures Great and Small" star Peter Davison comes back to reprise the Slick/Kamala angle with the slogan "You are an (english) man."

Tony Atlas feuds with John Cena for the Title, "John Cena, I like to drink steaming hot coffee when I watch your matches, I hope you like steaming hot coffee". This is great for the following conversation. Ross: Oh my god! You can see the steam rising from his head Coach: No, it's not, it's clearly cold coffee. Ross: (pauses) Sooners rule!

Gary Coleman feuds with Kerwin white. If only for the nutsack shot.

Ghetto Superstar

2005-09-06T11:25:00.000-03:00

Anyone who thinks that ghetto superstar by P. Diddy is anything but Islands in the Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton should be drug out into the street and shot.........by Kenny Rogers, thus instantly doubling his street cred.

Wondering where the Lions are

2005-09-03T11:51:00.000-03:00

So, I was talking to my father last night, and he pointed out that he was very afraid of lions. He provided some very compelling reasons for being afraid of lions. So compelling that I am now afraid of lions. This seems a tad irrational as I don't think I'll ever run into one, say, bowling. Nonetheless I've come up with a foolproof strategy for escaping from ferocious lions.

Step 1: Try reasoning with the lion. Explain to the lion that you don't taste good.

Step 2: When step one fails, scan all Meatloaf lyrics for any advice that may help with your situation.

Step 3: Realise Meatloaf never wrote a song about escaping from lions.

Step4: Try reverse psycology on the lion, slather yourself in BBQ sauce.

Step 5: Run really fast.

Step 6: Take out pocket radio before lion cathes you, increase volume to 10 and press play.

Step 7: Laugh as the lion runs from the terrible John Tesh music coming from your pocket radio

Step 8: Stop luaghing, start to get really annoyed by terrible Kenny G music coming from your pocket radio.

Step 9: Debate pros and cons

Step 10: Decide that listening to John Tesh music is worse than being lion food.

Step 11: Turn off pocket radio.

Step 12: See step 1.

Advice for life

2005-09-02T11:41:00.000-03:00

Here's my tip for the day, kids:

Live power lines can be an endless source of fun and amusement. But remember kids, never use gloves when handling live power lines, the electricity contained in power lines is enough to singe your new gloves. Always handle live power lines with your bare hands.

Now you know.

And remember, kids: knowing is half the battle.

Cut the Mullet

2005-09-01T10:15:00.000-03:00

Rather than do anything creative, I thought I would just post the lyrics to the classic Wesley Willis song, Cut the Mullet, for my own amusement.

Cut the Mullet lyrics

Found on SMD Promotions and Greatest Hits Vol. 2

Do something about your long, filthy hair
It looks like a rat's nest
Do something about your mullet
Get out the hair clippers, jerk

Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet

Get the rat's nest off your head
Get that crazy-ass mother off your skull
Take your ass to the barber shop
Tell the barber that you're sick of looking like an asshole

Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet

The mullet is the reason why people hate you
They are sick of looking at your nappy weed-sack
Nobody wants to look at you with that mullet on your head
Why don't you cut that mullet, you numbskull

Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet
Cut the mullet

Insure One, it's the insurance superstore

Random Thoughts

2005-08-29T00:32:00.000-03:00

Why don't policemen have a standard issue ration doughnut? They should all be forced to take the same, say....Boston Lemon. That would avert a number of intra-police force gun battles over whose doughnut was better. If that was the case two years ago, I wouldn't have been shot in the leg by a stray bullet steeming from a dispute between two policemen about crullers.

Why is Cap'n Crunch such a jerk? Does it make him happy to make me bleed? I'll bet it does, because he's a stupid jerk.

Can Mr. T go out for a cup of coffee without someone commenting on how they thought he only drank tea? His beverage selection, in public anyway is governed by his name. And poor Mrs. T married into it.

Why do some people have more pairs of shoes than there are days in the year. I propose that they have formed an unholy alliance with a subterranian race of people who have 366 legs. Outside of that they all look exactly like Bob Denver. Surprisingly, they all hate Gilliagan's Island.

That's it for tonight.

Dizzy

2005-08-17T17:03:00.000-03:00

Wine Kits are not without their dangers......

That being said, I blame my current, seasick state on that bastard Cap'n Crunch. The blood loss from the roof of my mouth has made me light headed.

You know what I like...some things

You know what I don't like......other things

The best part about being a Canadian is that I'm not a damn dirty Swiss bastard. I still hate the Swiss and their "pretend to be neutral, but secretly align themselves with Cap'n Crunch" Philosophy. One day Macho Man Randy Savage will kill Cap'n crunch, and I'll be happy, then a little sad, then tired, and then I'll be Coo Coo for Coacoa Puffs.

I'll write more when I don't feel like crap.

Oops

2005-08-11T10:54:00.000-03:00

I said roff, but I meant roof. You win this round Crunch.........

An Open Letter to Cap'n Crunch

2005-08-11T10:51:00.000-03:00

Dear Cap'n Crunch

Your cereal does too cut the roof of my mouth, you sick bastard.

Sincerely

Jeff

Ideas for new reality shows

2005-08-08T16:59:00.000-03:00

Don't look now.......it's an audit: A show where schoolteachers and clergymen are mercilessly audited by the IRS to expose them as tax cheats.

Da Shiznitz: Contestants eat tacos until they have to go to the bathroom, biggest bowel movement wins......more tacos.

The assistant......janitor: Illegal immigrants from 12 different countries compete to see who gets to clean up high school kids vomit, caused by drinking scope.

Twinkie!: 12 men sit without food in a cabin in the arctic for days on end. Then a twinkie is thrown in. First one to eat the twinkie wins 1 million dollars. Other 11 contestants win........death.

That's it for now.

2005-08-05T19:12:00.000-03:00

The Un-Tourist

I just keep thinking that Sweeden would be a sweet country. If it wasn't cold and depressing. Which it is, just like Fresca. It's cold because it's a fizzy drink. It's depressing because it tastes like crap.

Jeff

2005-08-04T18:30:00.000-03:00

The essence of a gentleman is knowing when not to pick your nose.

Sitting here at work on hold for accounts receivable, I'm trying to figure out why americans that hail from areas with naturally occuring ice don't like hockey.

A few theories:

Not enough Michael Jackson?

Not enough Splosions?

Lack of mud wrestling?

Players can't be voted off the island?

Not refereed by Paris Hilton?

You don't get to see what goes on in the ER afterwards?

Some possible solutions:

Pucks explode randomly

Game played in mud, If a goalie lets in a goal he's crushed by bigfoot.

MJ at every game.

On ice ER

That's it for me

Jeff

2005-08-01T21:47:00.000-03:00

My friend Wiggie

Sounds like the title of a really bad movie, like Rain Man with more whoopins'.....Far more whoopins.

As I sit here at work listening to Journey on a not very busy holiday, I think back on times when I used to write all the time. Now, as you can see from the postings, it's infrequently. However I still have thoughts and insights that would make you head spin.

I don't care how many times they put that stupid echo commercial on the air, you still can't fit a whole damn pit crew in the trunk. Seriously

Drew Carey made being a drunk cool, now Justin Timberlake makes being a sissy cool.

I wish they would put nougat in more things, I wish my pencil's eraser was made of nougat. Then it would make more sencse that I ate it.

The mayor of every town should be a dog. The town charters should be accordingly adjusted to read: Woof, woof, woof, woof.

It would then be made illegal for people to urinate on fire hydrants. Wait, it already is.....lousy democrats.

If Bill Clinton were a color, I'd be drunk.

Leprechaun 2 was far more entertaining than World War II.

Tennis is the best sport to play, except for droolgate. That's a sport I invented where people lie on the couch watching infomercials, and compete for the biggest puddle of drool.

There should be a show about boogers. I'd call it Leave it to Booger, or Seinbooger though.

My page is very, very green

Jeff

2005-07-05T15:30:00.000-03:00

On the Difference Between Canadidans and Americans

It was recently both Canada Day (July1), and the 4th of July (the 4th of July), and it seems like a good time to reflect on the difference between Americans and Canadians.

If Canada and the US were bar patrons, the US would be the drunk guy picking a fight with the bouncer, and Canada would be the nerdy crowd with glasses hiding behind the bar. Canadians may be generally smarter than Americans (and that certainly is true), but without Americans we would be overrun by barbarian hoardes. Actually the state of Rhode Island would kick our collective ass if a war broke out.

Canadians have a generally negative view of Americans, but we need America to save our ass. Americans are considered brash arrogant jerks by most Canadians, and while that's true, we've become brash arrogant jerks about not being brash arrogant jerks.

Our distinct Canadian culture was destroyed by free trade when the Canadian business went the way of the dinosaur. It's not the country I grew up in, swimming with Cdn. dept. stores et. all. But the Canada I grew up in liked America and Americans. Kind of like I do. It's not America's fault we chose to give them our culture and country, it's ours.

I would however like to clear up some myths Americans hold about Canada:

-Most of us do not live in igloos

-We do celebrate Christmas in Canada

-We also celebrate Thanksgiving, but 6 wks earlier due to an earlier harvest, owing to the colder climate.

-Most of us don't speak french.

-Our National Anthem is NOT One Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morrisette, it is "the night Chicago Died " by Paper lace.

-Conventional laws of physics don't apply in canada

-Our Prime Minister is a muskox

-We only have gravity 4 hours a day, the rest of the time we spend desperately clinging to trees to prevent the rotation of the Earth from flinging us into the endless void of space.

-We do have a contained black hole in canada, we call it Hamilton.

That's all for now.

2005-06-29T14:08:00.000-03:00

Wow, six years since I've written an internet column. I wish I could say a lot has happened in that time, but I don't really remember it, I really don't! Just some thoughts on random subjects:

World's worst pickup line - Hey, baby, I have the AIDS.

You shouldn't throw babies from a moving car..........it's wrong.

Why don't they make SKOAL flavoured Skittles?

Ten years ago Kriss kross would make you jump, jump. Now they'll make you fries, fries. Warm it up Kriss!

Effort is too much work.

The world would be a better place if people were more like ducks. Except there'd be crap everywhere

Don't drink and drive or you'll go to jail......unless you're Ted Kennedy.

Can the Aflac duck say anything else? Like hey, where's my paycheque. Because if he can't, I would totally not pay him.

How the hell can you chicken fry steak. Is the chicken the skillet or what? I don't want any steak with feathers on it.

Maybe not he best I've ever written, but hey! it's been six years. I can only go up from here. I'm still no wiggie-ns.

Til next time.