At Your Own Risk

Cherry Coke Is Hardcore.

October 22, 2005

More 50 Worst Songs

21. The Way You Love Me - Faith Hill - If Faith Hill had any idea how much torture she's been the cause of for me, she might stop singing. I doubt it though, because only someone truly evil could make this music.

22. With Arms Wide Open - Creed - The lead singer sounds like a goat. Someone must stop him. Before it's too late.

23. Take A Letter Maria - RB Greaves- A song that celebrates being a deadbeat Dad. How wonderful.

24. Diana - Paul Anka - Great idea to write a song where you try to pick up a girl with the line "you're so old".

25. Mambo #5 - Lou Bega - I've never been so glad an artist was a one hit wonder. I broke many a sterio over this song......Many a stereo.....

26. Sometimes when we Touch -Dan Hill - It's funny that a guy who's never had a girlfriend would write this song. Which makes me think he wrote it to his penis.

27. In the Year 2525 - Zager and Evans - I don't know why they allowed this song to be made, it inspires such VIOLENT hated in so MANY people.

28. My Heart Will Go On - Celene Dion - The highlight of the Canadian Live 8 concert was the crowd unanimously booing Celene Dion. Had she been there she would have cried, and I'd have been happy.

29. If You Could Read My Mind - Connie Kaldor - The original should also appear here, but that would be superfluous. This version is listed because it's worse than even Liza Manelli's version.

30. Believe - Cher - Cher freely admits they altered the vocals because she can no longer sing. Yet people still flocked to the Wal-Marts in droves to buy it. I hate people

31. If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher - If I could turn back time, I'd have burned the master to this shlock before it was released.

32. Crash - Dave Matthews Band- Need more proof than this that lots of people smoke pot? I don't. This is the best point I can make to keep pot illegal.

33. 100 Years - Five For Fighting - This isn't music, it's a goddamn hallmark card, someone please stop him!

34. Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer - If you were retarded, and I'm not saying you are, I could see you liking this song.

35. Umbrella - Dog's Eye View- Can you tell yet I hate emo? Well, I hate emo. And this song. No soup for you.

36. 3 AM - Matchbox 20 - Baby, it's three AM and time you shut the hell up, Rob. Seriously. Christ I'd like to rip the goddamn earrings out of your head.

37. Crimson and Clover - Tommy James and the Shondelles - The problem created by this song is further compounded by the fact that it's an A&W commercial now, that strangely seems to imply incest. I don't know how they thought that would boost burger sales.

38. We Built This City - Starship - Mainly on the grounds that it destroyed the fanbase of the band with its horridness.

39. The Thong Song - Sisqo - I hate novelty songs, and this one stands out for being singularly stupid.

40. It's My Party - Leslie Gore - I would cry, too, if forced to once again listen to this song.

41. Somewhere Out There - Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram - This song actually made me hate the Adorable Fivel from an American Tale. Fivel was later eaten by my cat.

42. Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes - As long as we're on the topic of crappy duets.

43. Almost Paradise - Air Supply - Damn stupid 80s music that damn stupid sucks.

44. Dust In the Wind - Kansas - A song by nihlists for nihlists. This is morbidly depressing, and not in a groovy Radiohead way. With an almost non-existant melody.

45. The Other Me - Paul McCartney - Sorry Macca, couldn't let you get away with this one. Contains the line "I acted like a dustbin lid". Profound.

46. How Am I Supposed to Live Without You - Michael Bolton- One day a blood vessel will pop in his head, he makes the takin' a dump face when he sings. Good softball player, though.

47. The Greatest Love of All - Whitney Houston - If you could take every inspirational piece of crap ever recorded/written and combine it into one song, this'd be the one.

48. From a Distance - Bette Midler - A song that talks down to god. Way to go Midler, you've shown us that you don't think you're god, you think you're better than god. No ego on this one at all.

49. You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins - Why do people buy this muzac?

50. Climb Every Mountain - Rodgers and Hammerstein - The most popular record of the 60s, and by far the worst.

50 Worst Songs, continued

11. MacArthur Park - Richard Harris - You know, I don't really understand how or why someone left the cake out in the rain, but they didn't leave the recipie out in the rain. how'd he lose it. Not that I care. Ah, fuck this song.

12. Kokomo - Beach Boys - Were the Beach Boys trying to kill Brian Wilson with this track released while he was in a mental institution. If they were it backfired, he's still alive and singer Carl Wilson has since passed on. Without Brian, Carl would have been the before picture in weight loss ads.

13. Breathe - Faith Hill - Boy, Faith Hill again. If I could retitle this drivel I would retitle it "Music that destroys every last shred of hope I had for humanity."

14. Step by Step - NKOTB - These guys once claimed to be bigger than the Beatles. The other day I went to a full serve gas station, and Danny Wood pumped my gas. Seriously. I, uh, don't see Paul McCartney pumping gas.

15. The Last Worthless Evening - Don Henley - Don, seriously. You're tempting me to make it the last worthless evening YOU'VE ever had.

16. Ironic - Alanis Morrisette - You know what's ironic? Someone writing a song about irony without knowing what irony is.

17. Drops of Jupiter - Train - Train's official band motto is: There's no I in SUCK.

18. Which Way You Going, Billy? - The Poppy family - If Billy was smart he'd be on a flight to Kenya. Where they've never heard this crappy song.

19. Circle of Life - Elton John - At one time, Elton John could write some decent songs. This song is crap. Hella-crap.

20. I Believe I Can Fly - R. Kelly - This song sucks. I Believe he can tape himself peeing in a 14 year old girl's mouth. How........inspirational. Incidentally, he's the only pop star ever to say "Only Osama Bin Laden knows how I feel". You know, even Bin Laden thinks is sick you peed in a 14 year old girl's mouth.

October 21, 2005

50 Worst Songs of All Time

I've been reading worst songs of all time lists, and I thought I'd build my list piecemiel. So over the next, however long it takes, I'll build my own list.

1. Hotel California - the Eagles. This song is SO bad that if I hear it playing in a store, I will leave, and have left the store where it's playing. Even if they have cheap mayonaise.

2. Unwell - Matchbox 20 - I hate Rob Thomas. One day he'll die. Then they'll play his music more. I can't win.

3. Tonight's The Night- Rod Stewart. This guy should wear a shirt that says "100% Un-Natural". The plastic surgery king with the voice like a rusty razor nearly makes me spew with this putrid piece of crap.

4. Crystal Blue Persuasion - Tommy James & the Shondelles- If there's a song that is more mindless and droning than this song, I'm sure it was also by Tommy James and the Shondelles.

5. The Arms of an Angel - Sarah MacLaughlin - This song sucks. I'm embarrased to be from the same city as this bitch.

6. Ghetto Superstar (That is What You Are) - Puff Daddy- If you're just going to change the words to an old song and release it, why pick Islands in the stream? And HOW could you actually make that song worse.

7. La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin - I don't hate him because he's gay. I hate him because his music is awful. This shit sucks ass. Just like him.

8. This Kiss - Faith Hill - In the space of 2 years I must've heard this song 200+ times just from being in stores. You know who makes to big a deal about that kiss? Faith Hill.

9. Ridin' With Private Malone - David Ball - This song is terrible. The main character rips off a mother who's child was killed in 'nam, because she doesn't know what things are worth. What an evil son of a bitch.

10. Bootylicious- Destiny's Child - If you need an explaination for why this song appears here, you're what's wrong with music.

October 19, 2005

Off the Record Haiku

In my livingroom
I'm Watching Off the Record
Landsberg really stinks