At Your Own Risk

Cherry Coke Is Hardcore.

September 16, 2005

Can I talk to You About the Kingdom of Heaven?

I swear if one more person asks me that, or tells me to pray else face eternal damnation I'm going to scream. The thing that's particularly frustrating about this is that the people who ask/say this are all talking about different religions. To appease them all I'd have to pray to 17 different gods, thereby angering them all. Because what I believe is no one's business, I've decided to mock these people by running through a typical day for them:

5 AM- Wake up, pray until 8AM

8 AM- Breakfast: unleven bread and whole milk

9 AM- Go to temple, sacrifice cow that provided whole milk as offering to almighty. Exception: Hindus, who go to temple and sacrifice the soy beans used to make their milk.

10 AM- Pray

12 PM- Realise they've forgotten to go to work, decide to use park bench as pulpit.

2 PM- After converting several pigeons and a homeless man whacked out on wowie sauce, decide to take a break and pray.

5 PM- Supper, unleven bread and whole milk.

6 PM- Watch Billy Graham mission or non-Chritian equivalent.

7 PM- Pray

9 PM- Jehova's witnesses come by they are invited in and run away in frustration after an hour.

10 PM- Pray that anyone who believes something different than you burn in hell for eternity.

11 PM- Bed, sleep and dreams of Amish furniture.


  • At 1:27 p.m., Blogger wiggie said…

    I like to ask them if they'd like to talk about the Kingdom of Narnia. Usually, they say yes.


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